HomeTop storiesGreg Gutfeld: Aren't spies supposed to have secret identity, not identify openly...

Greg Gutfeld: Aren’t spies supposed to have secret identity, not identify openly as 18 different things?

Too unhealthy the Oscars had been final week. Cuz the CIA may have gone house with extra gold than William Devane.

Have you ever seen their latest recruitment video? It is a gut-wrenching portrayal of 1 girl’s overcome bigotry and injustice in a world crammed with ache and confusion.

CIA Recruitment Video: I’m a girl of colour, I’m a mother, I’m a cisgender millennial who’s been identified with generalized nervousness dysfunction,” she says, whereas dramatic string music performs within the background. “I’m intersectional, however my existence shouldn’t be a box-checking train.

Wait… Did not she simply verify each field? By the way in which, who really says “I’m intersectional.” I imply, apart from my sofa? Here is extra.

CIA Recruitment Video: I used to wrestle w imposter syndrome however at 36 I refuse to internalize misguided patriarchal concepts of what a girl can or needs to be.// I’m unapologetically me. I need you to be unapologetically you, whoever you might be. 

Simply what we needed in a undercover agent – one who blows their cowl 5 seconds after assembly you. They’ve changed CIA with TMI. Speak about oversharing. And the way can this individual go undercover? Aren’t spies presupposed to have a secret identification, and never determine brazenly as 18 various things. Overlook title, rank and serial quantity.

“Sure, my title is Susan Thomas, I’m an artwork seller touring overseas. However actually I’m a bisexual, non-binary gender research graduate with scholar debt and childhood trauma who’s within the CIA – whoops, I ought to have left that half out. Now I’ve to kill you”

The entire level of being within the CIA, shouldn’t be being true to our identification whether or not you are Latin-x or Scottish. Particularly when you’re Scottish. The bagpipes are a useless giveaway.

So I say, recover from your self. Or, “selves.” However sadly, wokeness is now how we do enterprise – and even the CIA is in on it.

Man was I dumb. I assumed that form of p.c. bilge had an expiration date when you graduated – like taking part in hacky sack or listening to Cat Stevens. The understanding was that these items was nugatory when you left faculty. I used to be mistaken. The wokesters at the moment are formally in all places, drowning us with their box-checking vernacular.

May you think about being interrogated by a brand new age agent? Speak about torture.

“Ahmed, we noticed you buy the components for the pipe bombs, you had been clearly performing out in opposition to the racist, classist patriarchal colonizers making an attempt to stop you from being your finest, most genuine self on account of your lived experiences as a survivor of your continual bed-wetting or as we name it, artistic peeing. ”  

You’ll confess something to cease them from droning on about themselves.

“Sure, sure, I had a bomb in my shoe! Please cease forcing me to listing my favourite function fashions of colour!”

So – I admit that is like taking pictures sustainably raised salmon in a barrel. This video is not precisely high secret. And this girl is serving her nation – so good for her. Each blinking yahoo on planet earth can see how foolish America’s premiere intelligence company really is. Even Twitter laughed. However not the CIA.

These movies got here out of a number of conferences and technique periods. The very fact they put this out there may be form of an enormous blind spot. And spy companies should not have blind spots. Like your dad getting an earring for his fiftieth birthday.

Perhaps this video would possibly even get folks to hitch the CIA.  However me – this degree of malarkey couldn’t get me to hitch an orgy. However possibly that’s the purpose. Another nonbinary intersectional sort means one much less offended white male like me, on employees – proper, offended white male?

Tom Shillue as “Offended White Male”: How would I describe myself? A daily man I assume. I like sports activities, I assume I like my job. Love my household. What’s this for the information? As a result of, I hate the information.

You gotta surprise what the world thinks of this. Our enemies are guffawing, like Don Lemon on a bicycle. It’s the picture I discover humorous. Truth is we now have overseas enemies who dream of nothing greater than killing every considered one of us day by day. I doubt that Oprah-level, college accredited speaking factors about gender and race would scare them. 


And by the by, have you ever ever questioned what a politically-correct undercover agent would possibly appear like? We already did.

Parody Trailer for New James Bond Movie

Narrator: This Christmas, Bond is again such as you’ve by no means see him earlier than.

James Bond: You hungry? I had an additional one. 

Theif: You’re not going to harm me?

Bond: In fact not. Violence is so uncivilized.

Narrator: It’s the identical James Bond you understand and love. Rewritten to please probably the most progressive, socially acutely aware moviegoer in 2018.

Bartender: What’ll or not it’s sir? Let me guess. Martini, shaken not stirred?

Bond: Latte. Soy latte. Additional decaf.

Bartender: Additional decaf?

Bond: Are the beans sustainably sourced? I solely drink natural farm-raised homegrown cruelty free espresso. 

Bartender: I don’t know.

Narrator: With intrigue and suspense.

Villain: Your transfer 007.

Bond: Is it? No significantly is it? I don’t know how one can play this sport. I noticed a Ted Discuss not too long ago that aggressive actions solely encourage poisonous masculinity and marginalize disenfranchised communities and to unjust hierarchical constructions bolstered by a bigoted and corrupt system.

Villain: You’re bluffing. 

Bond: What’s a bluff?

Narrator: And it isn’t a Bond movie with out seduction.

Lady: Effectively James, I had a extremely beautiful night, care to come back inside?

Bond: You already know, I don’t admire the heteronormative assumptions in your proposition. It’s regressive anti-neofeminist rhetoric like that that perpetuates a patriarchal society of oppression and gender subjugation. Not the least of which I care to contribute to. 

Lady: You possibly can’ve simply mentioned no.

Narrator: So prepare for probably the most politically right undercover agent of all time. No weapons. No playing. No women. It’s James bond in, “The Spy who Consensually Agreed in Writing She Beloved Me”

Bond: you have to be Q

Physician: It’s LGBTQ now

Bond: Cool.


Your mission, do you have to select to simply accept it, is to reject virtue-signaling of every kind. Good luck. This section will self-destruct in 5 seconds.  

This text is tailored from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the Might 4, 2021 version of “Gutfeld!”



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